Broken
I took this photograph on November 6, 2005, three days after I lost Samantha. Her death shattered me. Weeks passed before I was able to get through a day without sobbing. I couldn’t stand to be in the house because her absence was suffocating.
Last week I was finally able to bring myself to go through her things. Her water dispenser, food bowl, brushes, toys, pill popper, needles, IV bags. I ended up sitting on the floor surrounded by these pieces that made up the last few months of her life.
But I don’t remember her like that. I remember her jumping on the bed to curl up next to me and waking me up in the morning with her paw on my cheek. I remember her talking back to me, even whispering when I would whisper. I remember her pawing my leg, like a child tapping her mother, while I was cooking. I remember how she sat in her chair at dinner, fighting the urge to get on the table. I remember how she would run down the stairs to greet me when I came in the door. She once stayed at my brother’s house for an extended time while I was moving. I will never, ever forget how she desperately ran to me when I came back for her.
Some people will think this is ridiculous because she was a cat. But I don’t care. She was my rock. She was my comfort during the hardest time of my life. She was my angel.
My heart is still broken, but I’m slowly allowing myself to relive those memories without creating distractions to make the hurt go away.
If she were here right now, she would jump into my lap and sleep, as she always did when tears were streaming down my face. She had an uncanny sense about that.
I love her and miss her terribly.
Labels: art
posted by Christi Nielsen at 10:24 PM
26 Comments:
November 6, 2006 hasn't happened yet. Are you having a psychic episode. Perhaps that's what really shattered you.
Very interesting.
No - it was last November. I have fixed the date. Thanks for pointing that out.
I lost my cat Oliver on April 26, 1998. I still miss him terribly but I am finally able to smile now when I see his picture and remember him as the loving companion he was.
Not ridiculous at all. We lost one of our cats in May, and I realized this weekend as I was doing some cleaning and came across some of the old vet bills and receipts from his illness that I'm still not over losing him. I've lost pets before, but his death hit me really hard. My memories of happy times with him are getting somewhat easier to recall without pain, but they're taking their sweet time about it.
So sorry Christi. I've never had a cat, but I can empathize with the loss of a loved companian pet. Don't be without one too long.
It's really hard when it happens. I'm sorry.
I am sorry to hear you are so sad and your loss. :-*
Beautiful post. So sorry for your loss, and it's not silly at all. It's amazing that you're such a caring, devoted pet owner.
What a beautiful description of cat-love. I totally get it! Right now I have an 11 year old cat - Tigger - all that is left behind of my just barely grown and gone daughter. I dread the day he leaves me, too...
I hate it when you lose a pet and people say, "whats the problem? it's just a cat/dog/bird/whatever" Well pets are very inportant parts of our families,they help make up the family dynamics,and they are our friends.
Feeling pain after a pet dies is natural.
*HUGS*
Hello, I am Kimberly, I was just browsing weight loss blogs. I don't think it's ridiculous to grieve a loved one, no matter what species. Pets are small creatures we take care of who depend on us to live and thrive and be loved. They are like our children and I'm crying as I write this just thinking about the pets I have loved and lost in my lifetime. Very intriguing photograph.
Christie; I'm so sorry for your loss. Do you have another kitty yet? Let me tell you, we just got our 3rd cat, a kitten named Oscar and he's brought joy and happiness to our lives. Just watching his kitten antics makes us laugh every day. Nothing heals the wounds quicker than a new little life to nurture and love. There's a kitty out there that needs all the love you have to give. Our shelter cat, Stewart, is the most amazing cat!
I think your experience is very common, there is definitely nothing wrong with it. I'm sorry for you loss. Hang in there!
My sister's dog died around the same time last year. Everything you described was "Oscar" to a T, even the jumping up in her lap when she was crying.
She still misses him terribly; he had such personality.
Cat/dog/ferret...Angelina Jolie's plant in "Pushing Tin," doesn't matter - she was dear to you.
If I could give you a hug, I would. You don't know me, but I'm a good hugger!
Thank you all for your kind words. It's amazing what our pets do for us, isn't it? And the pain of losing them is universal. I suppose that should be comforting.
Oh Christi I know how you feel.
I lost my cat Mr Biff last year, she was my best little buddy and I knew her for 18 years, longer than any relationship I had (apart from family).
She died with her little head in my hand at the vet, she was diabetic and had liver and kidney problems.
I've had so many dreams of her growing out of my hand or where she is a real person.
I love these dreams and know that she will always be with me.
I'm so intregued by your journal, you certainly are one mysterious, evocative person!
Gawd, I know exactly how you feel and even though I don't know you, I certainly empathize. My cat was my longest relationship too (11 years), aside from family. It's hard to let go of that. Well, it's hard to let go after two weeks, really. He was the healthiest kitty for so long and just suddenly wasn't. The sonogram tech surveying his liver tumor exclaimed, "oh look at that! That's a BIG one!" as if it were a fish and "big" was a good thing. I still can't get over her doing that right in front of me. You'd think someone in that profession would know to be more sensitive.
Basically, I felt like he was ripped from me.
I took his frozen body to bury in my mom's backyard (I live in a rental) and two days later, discovered I was pregnant. While intellectually I'm not sure reincarnation exists, it was very comforting to believe that my cat's spirit was inside me. Maybe that makes me a freak, but he was my first child.
I fought the idea of getting another kitty, but my husband talked me into playing with some kittens a friend of mine was fostering about 6 weeks later. Lo, and behold, an orange kitten named Cheddar (my cat was orange too) sought me out and crawled up on my chest, where he stayed, blissfully purring, for 20 minutes. How could I refuse him?
What I will say about bringing a new cat into your life is this: it helps. It doesn't fix it. It's been over 2 years and I still miss my cat terribly...he still sneaks into my thoughts and makes me cry sometimes. And I won't use my favorite pet name (Precious Treasure) with the new kitty (whom I adore) or even my daughter, although the moniker applies to them as well. Maybe it's my little tribute to him. But having an outlet for that part of your heart is just necessary sometimes...
Christi you ok?
Hi, Christi--
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I still remember the day I lost my beloved first cat, Bobbi, fifteen years ago. It was like losing a family member, and I was never quite the same for a very long time after that.
I have been around other cats since, but I didn't really have another cat that was truly "mine" until 2000, when I adopted my Joey, and I love him as if he were my child. He's 9 now (I adopted him when he was 3) and I can't imagine life without him.
You have a really great blog. I've been having my issues with weight as well, and it's nice to know that there are others out there who are going through the same thing, and in my same city, even!
Keep up the great posting, and I love your photography!
Yes Pony, I'm okay. I'm just having a hard time finding inspiration. I'm worried that I've said all I can say.
Thanks for asking! ;-)
I hope not because I really love your blog! I'm sure you will get inspired soon!
ahhh, the lose of a friend and beloved one. This is timely for me because I lost my soulmate almost 3 years ago and I still grieve. I feel guilty and tears come to my eyes just writing this. I felt his presence in my bathroom because in the months before his death he chose to sleep there. Sometimes I thought I felt him jumping up on my bed and I was comforted. However, yesterday I just turned over the keys to that apartment and I'm now living in a different place. It felt like a second loss because Flotsam's ghost won't find me here.
I took in two more cats from the shelter right away and I love them dearly, but they are not Flotsam. He was my soulmate, he was my cat.
Janis
memaxmarz
Oh Janis. Thank you for that. Soulmate is exactly what she is to me.
And I believe his ghost will find you.
I know just what you mean.
Thanks Christi, I'm looking for him!
Janis
Hi Christi -
I haven't checked up on my blog-friends in awhile, so I am just reading this post today.
Your story immediately brought a wave of tears...I have always had pets and have lost so many wonderful cats and dogs, but my dog Kaffi was the hardest. He was our sweet chocolate lab - just one of those special dogs. He was irresistable...people would stop us on the street to say how beautiful he was. We even had a woman who was afraid of dogs approach us & ask to pet him one time in the park. He was just that kind of pup. We lost him very unexpectedly after a short and brutal bout with liver disease when he was only seven years old. His absence in our house was unbearable and the silence was deafening. I remember sitting on the couch next to my husband, both of us lost in grief, and realizing that some feelings you just have to walk through alone. It was such a sad time. Kaffi was the love of my life...I think everyone has that one special pet who holds on to a part of your heart forever.
We have two wonderful dogs and two fabulous kitties & they are our "kids." As much as I love them, Kaffi will always be my special guy.
Your post hit home for a lot of people...thank you so much for sharing it with all of us.
xoxo,
Rivkeh
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