Chatter

Video from my MFA Exhibition. I listened to two hours of television in the background, recording the phrases from commercials and talk shows. It's amazing how we get used to being bombarded with messages to cure our never-ending imperfections.

Spoiled

A milestone birthday is the death of her. She is spoiled.

USDA Prime

Watching people mull over packages of meat at the grocery store amuses me. I know, I need a life. As one who doesn't eat or cook much meat, I fear not following the recipe precisely and only accept the ideal weight prescribed. It somehow reminds me of the relentless messages thrown at me regarding ideal size and the ways in which to achieve perfection.

Countless products to measure, reduce, expand, calculate. She's packaged, suffocated, presented. For sale. But she's only picked off the shelf if she meets the calculation du jour.

Body and Image - Woman's Survey

Newt In a Tea Cup decided to start a conversation about body issues by asking bloggers to post this survey. We'll all be linked to each other so you can read responses and perhaps find an outlet to talk about these things. Feel free to only answer the questions you're comfortable with.

"One thing I’ve noticed, especially from personal experience, is that it’s very hard to talk to someone else, a friend or family member for instance, who does have really bad body image/ health issues to do with body image. And it’s pretty clear that all of us will most probably meet at least someone with those issues; we can’t avoid it.

So let’s start talking to each other at least."

Name: Christi Nielsen

Age: 38

Height: 5'2"

Weight: 160

Do you consider yourself attractive? sometimes

Do others consider you attractive? yes

What is your biggest insecurity and why? probably my butt. Even when I was a teenager and thin, kids at school told me I had a big butt. So now I don't like to walk in front of people.

Have you/Would you consider using plastic surgery? Why or why not? Ideally? No. I have better things to spend my money on, like camera equipment! ;-)

What is your relationship with make-up? I can live without it and usually do. If I do wear it and receive comments like, "wow - you look good today" or "you must have gotten some sleep", it just makes me wear it less and less. I don't need that kind of compliment.

How much money do you/think is reasonable to spend on your appearance? Well, because I'm a broke art student, not much! I'm lucky to afford a good cleanser and moisturizer. That's about it. I do, however, like a good hair cut and will pay for that every few months.

What is your experience of dieting? I was never overweight until I went through my divorce. Of course I know that now, but before I always thought I was fat. That was 50 pounds ago. Can you imagine? I thought I was fat at 110. Dieting, of course, was and is the devil because I hate being told I can't do something or have something. I can't follow those specific programs because I like to do my own thing. So I guess it was a matter of starving until I dropped 10 pounds or so. Now I'm too busy and stressed with school to focus on exercise or diet.

Have you/ anyone you know tried any specific diet programs i.e. Lighter Life? How did that affect your health? your moods? your relationships? My family and friends have tried specific diet programs. They seemed quite content but as with most diets, meal planning becomes the entire meaning of existence. I've watched all of them lose it, gain it, lose it, gain it. It almost becomes part of life and accepted as something funny. My family focuses much of their humor around weight issues.

Do you have any experiences of eating disorders i.e. either yourself or someone you know? A friend of mine became anorexic in junior high school after a series of stunts of not eating for attention. She had a track record of doing things like that. I didn't take it seriously until I saw her in a tank top one day. I'd never seen ribs like that.

How did other people react to this; what was the fallout? Most people just rolled their eyes at her. Her mother put her in a different school until she got better. Even I thought she just wanted attention, but hindsight shows me that she has had body image issues for years. It also became quite clear that a lot of us are just a step away from that.

Have you had negative experiences relating to your appearance and people’s reactions to it? Mostly it was the big butt thing that I mentioned above. I'm always trying to hide it.

What about positive reactions to your body? It's funny - I actually receive positive comments about my body, AND my butt! ;-) But those comments from junior high just seem to stick.

How has your body image and attitude changed over the years? Oh I'm much more relaxed about it now. Just 2 years ago I was obsessed with my weight and hating myself for it. I felt like a failure because I couldn't get control over myself. Now I get upset like when I get a freakin' passport picture! But I get over it. It pisses me off whenever I feel like that because I know better. I basically woke up and recognized that I was buying into the trap of the ideal.

What do you love about your body? That it's real.

What is your opinion on the media portrayal of women’s bodies? Oh my - that's a post in itself. I would have to sit for days to come up with the words for that. Hideous.

What would you change about the way you/ your friends/ your family/ general people see their bodies? I'd like to see the body become an afterthought. That's not to say I think we should throw our health to the wind. I mentioned earlier that when dieting, meal planning becomes the entire existence. I think with women, the quest for the ideal body can become the entire existence.

What makes you feel beautiful? For some reason, I feel beautiful when standing or sitting in the sunlight. Maybe it's that warmth.

and just for fun… Do you shave legs/pits/upper lip moustache? Not usually, but I will on occasion for an art piece! ;-) We'll see how much I cave in to societal pressure this summer.

Secret

I'm experimenting a bit with alternate ways of presenting my work/ideas that are not so literal and direct. Although I do believe that one of my strong points is putting it all out there in the hopes that it makes you uncomfortable enough to consider something, I also recognize when I become too direct. I end up trying to say everything at once, and often that's no fun for the viewer.

So this is the beginning of a new series (on the side, if you will). We'll see where it goes.

Michelin Man

I sometimes feel like the Michelin Man.

Before I gained this weight, I never had a stomach... ever! So after almost four years, I’m still not used to this roll above my waistband that’s like a foreign object attached to my body. These days it’s not so much a vanity issue as it is a comfort issue. It’s actually easier to breathe if I can lean back in the chair.

I have two options: lose some weight or buy bigger clothes. I can’t afford new clothes, so I guess I’m left with the daunting task of losing some weight. I hate to even try because I’m afraid I will fail. How pathetic is that?

Dialogue

It's the end of the semester, and once again I didn't lose any weight. In fact, I gained 10 pounds. Sure, I can blame it on the stress of taking too many hours while working full time, but when am I going to get off my butt and do something about this? I don't know. I felt like recording my internal dialogue. I wear it only too well.