Plug Her Up

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been given a description of the acceptable girl for (now that I think about it) the guys who never have girlfriends. Anyway, it usually goes something like this…

“I don’t like girls who burp, fart, have diarrhea, or other bodily functions. And if you mention monthly menstrual fluids, I will gag and throw up. I will not date any girl who does any of these things. Girls are not supposed to be thought of in this manner, and I don’t want to date any girl who does any of these things.”

I’ve been told as of late that I shouldn’t let things bother me so, that I should get over it and move on. This is of course is from the mouths of babes who think they have life figured out without ever having stepped foot in it. But in the spirit of acceptance, let me try and help the poor darlings. I propose a new product that finds its home nicely within the fetishism of commodity. Corks for your every need… to plug her up.

Just out of curiosity boys, do you look away and plug your ears as the air escapes from your quintessential blow up doll?

I no doubt will receive many spirited responses. I welcome them, and to those who choose the route of defense for this plastic notion of a woman, I will not ridicule you. I merely offer to your overestimated mouth my overabundance of unused corks.

USDA Prime

Watching people mull over packages of meat at the grocery store amuses me. I know, I need a life. As one who doesn't eat or cook much meat, I fear not following the recipe precisely and only accept the ideal weight prescribed. It somehow reminds me of the relentless messages thrown at me regarding ideal size and the ways in which to achieve perfection.

Countless products to measure, reduce, expand, calculate. She's packaged, suffocated, presented. For sale. But she's only picked off the shelf if she meets the calculation du jour.